Its the bane of most of our lives. Its the difference between confidence and self loathing. Its on our minds every time we catch our reflection. Its there when you’re filling up your shopping basket. It sits on your shoulder when you’re trying on clothes. It comes up in daily conversations. Its this constant nagging that you want to achieve your own idea of the ‘ideal’, but at the same time, you enjoy the things that you would have to avoid… so you indulge.

Freaking weight, size, bulge, chub, sag, bulk, flab, or whatever you want to call it, its jeffing annoying, and we’re NEVER satisfied. Aside from those blessed with a gorgeous svelte figure (pesky ectomorphs that I’ll come onto another time), who seem to be able to eat everything and anything whilst still maintaining a tiny frame – but actually have a whole different spectrum of sh*t that they’re dealing with. Small breasts anyone? Boyish frame? The feeling of ‘un-sexiness’ in a world of Kardashians? It’s tough for them too folks. We are all basically MAD.


Anyway, you want to lose weight. So I am kicking off my nutritional posts with three simple rules, which mean that you have a JEFFING CHANCE of achieving happiness around your weight. Without these three rules, you will always fail. Sorry to be the one to tell you that. But I mean come on, if it was super easy we would all be thin.


If I asked you when, in your life you looked your ‘best’, I will bet my bottom dollar that it correlated conveniently with when you were skinniest. For me it was Ibiza (round 7), and I had lived on broccoli for weeks beforehand – and the light was right, and I look almost ill. People even messaged worrying about my health. But because we’re all MAD that was like a Bloody COMPLIMENT!


So RULE 1 of becoming the best you, that you’re happy with – is set a realistic goal. I was that thin because I fasted, ate pure greens and didn’t drink or socialise or have any fun for around a month to get there. Yeahhhhhhh NOT FREAKING WORTH IT!

And that is what you want to achieve – being your best you. Whatever that looks like.

Your best you might have a slightly rounded tum tum, because your best you loves cheese, wine and sausages (me). But you are your best you in that state, because your best you isn’t deprived or unhappy.

If you’re living within the realms of a balanced lifestyle, you CANNOT be eating sausages, wine and cheese every day – but then you wouldn’t be your best you, because you would develop scurvy and rickets, which is sub-ideal. You would also probably have something mentally you’re not dealing with if you have a need to drink every day.


Your best you also needs… NOURISHMENT. I cannot bang on about this enough. You know when you eat a massive Chinese take-away, and within 20 minutes you’re hungry again? Aside from the MSG, the hunger is caused by the fact your body was digesting thinking, WAHOOOO we’re eating! That means NUTRIENTS! But no, instead it gets BEIGE. And OF COURSE you feel hungry after, you didn’t give your body what it needed!


Food isn’t about satiety, its about feeding the mechanisms to make your body work. Vitamins and minerals are essential for SURVIVAL. We are designed to be hungry, we are designed to go a long time without food. We NEED NOURISHMENT to survive. This is why, RULE 2 is – FORGET ABOUT EFFING CALORIES!

Good food is all you need to think about. Good real genuine, non-processed beautiful, gorgeous, green, orange, stunning, awe-inspiring (YES I THINK FOOD IS AWE-INSPIRING)fresh, real FOOD. The more FOOD you eat, the less CRAP you eat. From now on, if you eat anything beautiful, nourishing, well cooked, green, leafy, raw, real – its called FOOD. Then anything you eat that is processed, beige, sugary, trans fatty, fake, man-made, BLEAAAAA is called… CRAP.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not Deliciously Ella over here, but I am not Deliciously Stella either. EAT CRAP WHEN YOU NEED TO! Who the FRICK goes through their whole life without crap? You’d be that mum at the toddler party like “Oh no sorry, Tarquin doesn’t partake in cake, I brought him some celery instead”. If you’re HANGING, or you have PMT or you JUST FANCY A BURGER, then crack on love. Your best you isn’t deprived, because deprivation leads to binging.


Which leads me on nicely to RULE 3 – ENJOY THE HEALTHY. Like, why on earth have vegetables and salad got such a bad reputation? Why would anyone ever poo poo a roasted cauliflower with beautiful spices, spinach, onion alongside steamed heavenly asparagus with cracked pepper? How could you say no to broccoli with sundried tomatoes, pine nuts and a drizzle of extra virgin? Who on EARTH does not enjoy a crunchy walnut and beetroot salad, and WHY WOULD YOU EVER say no to a warming winter vegetable soup?


Have FUN with FOOD. Not ‘healthy’ food – because remember, there is FOOD, which you need 80% of the time, and then CRAP, which you can choose to have 10-20% of the time. FOOD is FOOD. It FEEDS your BODY and SOUL.

You may notice that I don’t talk about grains as part of this, or starches. That’s another massive conversation. For now, if I can get you eating more FOOD (veg) and less CRAP (beige) than I am succeeding.

That is very much a topline 101 on your basic foundation to be able to lose weight (I use the term ‘lose weight’ lightly, because I know from all the exercise I do I have actually put on ‘weight’ but got smaller, so its a very loose term). But if you follow these principles, you almost embarrassingly are going a hell of a long way towards your goals, without some mad points system, or having to buy masses of ‘diet foods’.

Remember your body just needs to be FUELLED by FOOD.